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This is the place where i just dump a bunch of random throughts and talk about my day or just a topic in general. Be warned! im gonna be mentioning things like self-harm and probably some sad stuff, not in full detail but it will be there so look out for the tw before reading an entry, oh and im not a native english speaker, so yeah, don't judge me too hard.Otherwise, you can enjoy being inside my brain.
Heyo everyone!! so many things have happened in this time, it's been like 2 months since i gave an update. First, i wanna say that yeah i released another song, i talked abt in the music blogging section. I also got to see Placebo live !!! im gonna talk more abt that some other day, maybe tomorrow idk.
What i do wanna say is that these have been such busy months, not only was i worried with all the music release stuff, i made the teasers and the cover of the single AND the music video, including editing and all. Of course all this without counting the process of making the song and all that. Is a beautiful and hard thing to do, making music, anyways im not gonna babble abt that now. I was doing all of this stuff plus social media marketing (tiktoks and ig updates, hopefully smthg comes out of that), but also one day out of nowhere my cat seemed like he had a stomach ache, he would lay on the floor and not want to walk or play, the day after we took him to the vet, and since then it has been aprox a month.
A month and my baby is still sick, at first it seemed like he had some stomach pain or maybe smthg he ate was bad (he's and outside/inside kinda cat), we gave him some shots and softer food but he was still lethargic and seemed in pain. Well it was blood analysis time and his hematocrit count was very low, almost at risk so the vet gave me some pills to give him. Fortunately he's such a nice boy and takes the pills very well (he doesn't like needles tho, gets scared and aggresive) so, it's been a while with the pills and some better cat food and liver for the blood thing. He started to get chubby (my sweet boy was 3kg before hehe now 4kg) and so much better, no more pain, no more lethargy, his anemia seemed to get better!! However last week his hematocrit count went low again and we took him to the vet today and it was even lower.
Im scared guys, if he gets to the risk zone he might have to get a blood transfusion and that's super complicated, not to mention expensive, all of his meds have been expensive and we still have to pay for more meds and analysis. Im so worried, he's 8 years old, he's like an old man in cat years, but he's so young, he has never had any problems whatsoever, he's always playful and if he knows you, very cuddly. I know the meaning of each of his looks and meows, i let him sleep in my bed all night when is cold to let him go to his bed (is in an open room), also let him sleep all day with the ac on when is hot outside, i can tell when he's abt to playfully attack or when he wants water.
I also seem to be the only person that's more worried abt his life than the money we have to spend on his treatments, sigh. I don't believe in prayer or anything like that, but please send good vibes telepathically for my baby to get better, at least so he can the best rest of the life he has, which, hopefully is more than what my incredibly anxious and doomed mind thinks. Thank you for reading and im sorry to bring the mood down. Next update will be less depressing i hope.
ALMOST THE END OF THE MONTH!! I haven't been here much bc i have been SUPER busy with music related stuff, advertising Acid Machine (u can read abt it and listen to it here), been working on more songs and recording vocals for my next release. Guys,,, recording these vocals took me SO long, it was really hard to get it right and it wa also SUPER hard to mix them, but i did it. I have to do more stuff before i release it to the world (hehe).
In terms of looking for a job, i still haven't, im concentrating SO hard on my music now, i did do a little marketing course to apease the monster (my mother). But yeah, i do have a little plan on what places im gonna go look, i also don't have my resume ready, gotta work on that, sigh. Oh and to update the last one, i ended up having stomach issues for like a week I WAS SO WORRIED, luckily i got better and back to eating things like usual, but it was hard man.
But anyways, im writing this in a good mood, im actually on a call with my bestie rn (HI BESTIE IF U READ THIS!!!), we were laughing abt stupid stuff and talking abt shit. I find myself going an entire day switching from one mood to the other, from happy and excited to sad and discouraged. Making music as one person only is really hard and also just kinda sad, if i had a band i could at least feel that a bunch of us are like, failing together, idk, im yapping. Im glad to be making music anyways, enjoying my tunes and getting better on each work and just the creativity process, hope everything goes well for me ♡
Hope everything goes well for u too, whoever reads this !!! ♡
Hello, happy new year for everyone!! I haven't updated in here for a little while, christmas got around and i wasn't too hype for it, i did dressed up for it tho, did my makeup pretty cool honestly one of my best, i got no gifts, as expected. Then new year, i wore more casual clothes because i was in a lazy mood but i had fun!! i got back home (from my cousin's house) at like 2 am and i started drinking and watching a weird al concert on youtube, i had like SO much fun.
But anyways, i do have other news, some days before december was over i got news that my high school degree was ready for me to go get it, this is good news bc i don't have to go back to that building ever again, but also, means i gotta look for a "real life" job, i have NEVER worked anywhere apart from home, im literally terrified. It may seem a little stupid to be so scared to just get a job, but my anxiety is high on like normal situations like taking a bus to see my bestie's new place, i cannot imagine what im gonna be feeling a a job interview. Not only my very anxious and possibly autistic demeanor but also the fact that im alternative and don't look like a pretty girl, will cost me how easy i can get a job. Im just so scared, i obviously had the little talk with my mom where she just talks to me like im a stupid new born that doesn't know how the world works. Im so tired of living in this house with these people, im so determined to get a job but i also feel my stomach churning, im so lost and scared right now, i know adulthood is not easy, but with a family like mine feels like even harder bc of the expectation to be just like everyone else...
Now i have more news, first the good one, im finally released a song!! i mean it's just on youtube and soundcloud but it feels really big for me, im gonna talk about it on the music part this blog but for now i just wanted to mention it here. Realeasing something before 2023 ended was such a high ♡
The bad one...i have been sick since new year's eve, i ate a little bit more than usual and i drank alcohol twice in december, so my guts are MAD at me, i don't know if i talked about this but i have stomach issues, so i knew i would have to have light food after new years, however, it didn't passed like usual. I have been eating bland food and having stomach aches for like a week, so yeah, im so angry with my guts rn. I've been struggling with stomach related issues since like 2019 maybe?? it's hard, i just wanna eat like a normal person.
Anyways, i hope all of you who read this are taking care of yourselves, physically and emotionally too and i hope this year brings succes and peace to your life!
HI HELLO OMG!! basically, i've been following placebo for like 7 years man, brian molko was one of my first gender envy people ever, not to mention how good their songs are omg, im speaking nonsense rn cuz im so excited holy shit guys. The point here is that i fucking love this band, i have a poster of them on my wall above my bed, i almost bought a placebo cd (didn't had enough money), but here i am, i bought my tickets and im so incredibly excited to see them, even if they're not gonna pay the "hits", i can't blame them man, im just, so excited that im gonna be a part of it, i didn't wanna miss out on it!!! AAAAAAHHHHH
Let me walk you through my feelings while buying the tickets:
IT'S 9:10 AM AND THE TICKETS R ABT TO BE AVAILABLE IM GONNA SHIT MY PANTS, im so nervous i feel like i might throw up...
9:25 now, let me tell u guys, while i wait till 10am, that i literally slept 4hs and got up JUST to buy the tickets, dedication to being a queer is truly admirable sometimes
9:43 i wanna mention that i just see myself being so obsessive with this for no reason like, i don't think that MANY people are gonna buy the tickets, my biggest fear is that they get sold out tho, THAT CAN'T HAPPEN TO ME, so waking up early it is
9:51 also let's say, what if i don't get it? i can get over it right??? future me how's it going???
10:05 WOOOOO WE DID IT PEOPLE!!!!! IMSO EXCITED OMG
10:58 had to buy another for my dad (yes, im not allowed to go anywhere alone it seems) ANYWAYS
I can't believe it bro, i thought i had to tap out, last night i was crying like crazy bc i also saw this rumour that depeche mode were gonna come to my country june/july next year and i didn't know if i had to choose or like expect the rumour to be true and miss out on placebo, but thanks to my lovely best friend who LITERALLY gifted me the ammount i needed for another ticket i don't hae to choose !!! i could cry right now man, i don't know what i would do without my bestie and also idk what i would do without my fav bands ♡
Hi everyone!! i haven't been doing anything for this blog because i was preparing gifts for my bestie, their mom was flying to spain to visit them for christmas, i asked if i could send some gifts and their mom said yes. So i got onto discreetly ask what they needed/wanted and then i got to shopping, i wrapped everything in MLP wrapping paper (thy're a huge fan), i made a hearfelt letter and decorated the envelope (it's my thing), put everything in boxes and THEN had to travel for a few hours to the airport to get this gifts to my bestie's mom. It was pretty exhausting but i was really really happy i got to send this stuff to them!!
My love language is gift giving and i LOVE making letters to my friends, on their birthday or holidays of any kind. I feel like it hits closer when u see what ur friends think abt u when u read it on a real paper letter written by hand. It also makes it less awkward than saying it irl or stopping a conversation through chat to pour my heart out about how grateful i am to have them in my life. Yes, i am one of those friends, i am also the friend that's gonna say good night every night and good morning every day. I can't help it!! my heart is too big!!
To be honest, i think most people in real life think im a scary cold-hearted bitch, maybe it has to do with the way i dress (black everywhere and sometimes a little more trad goth), but also i think a huge part of that is that my family puts no effort whatsoever on getting to know me and if i talk abt things im interested in no one wants to hear it. So at the end of the day i just seem like i don't wanna be there (i don't), also my parents haven't seen me cry out of emotion like EVER, but i cry everytime i watch a show or see a sad edit or read a sad fanfic, honestly i think i cry out of emotion/happiness 50 times a day hashjassh. I am truly super lovingly to the people im close to, im always giving gifts i bought thinking they would like it or that reminds me of them or listening to their interests and saying i love you a lot. I love hugs and touch, but if i don't know u or if we are not close none of this things would happen, i just, i don't like lying in things like this or acting fake. So yeah, not sexy and mysterious but a different secret thing...
The other update i wanted to give is that after i went to the airport to give my bestie's mom the gifts, i got sick, i have a summer cold and IT SUCKS!! i don't get sick a lot, so this was weird, i woke up one day and i felt my throat dry, i said "oh man im gonna get sick", so i've been taking cold medicine for like a week and JUST NOW im feeling better, i was so tired and felt so sick, now im a little tired but i have thing i wanna do with this blog so im getting back into the groove, also gotta start fixing the blond streak in my hair, i have to bleach the roots and tone it to look more gray, i also have to plan my outfit fo christmas, oh man, im tired just thinking abt it. Anyways, im gonna rest and work on the next thing for the blog!! Kisses and/or high fives to everyone!! take care people, don't get sick like me.
Yeah, it's three am and im crying while listening to musical theater songs, in case u are wondering what's wrong with me /jk, i was talking to my bestie on the phone and we somehow got into the topic of me loving musical theater and i said "ok but if they had clases in english in here i would ABSOLUTELY go" im in a spanish speaking country btw, so everything, obviously, has to be in spanish, they translate the songs and all, which makes so much sense and everything, but i love the shows and songs in their own language, if at least, they sang the songs in english i would be VERY happy, but they don't so im always a little sad about that.
Anyways, the point here is that i LOVE musicals with all my life, u can tell, if u go to my fav movies part the site, it's all bare to see, another thing abt me is that singing is like my numer one thing, the thing i love to do the most, the thing i have been doing since i was a child and have never and WILL never stop doing. I haven't persue this in any profesional way (except if u count making some songs and writing some lyrics for myself) no singing lessons, no college for this, no nothing and this all came to be like this because as a child i was super SUPER shy (it's anxiety, quick, someone tell my mom to help me!!) and when asked if i wantd to go to singing classes i would always be so terrified i would say no, also take into account that one time i sang for my mother when i was like 8 o 10 and she was like "haha yeah...u can learn..." and i NEVER EVER sang in front of anyone again, she has a way with words... (let's not get into how she slowly ruined my life).
So yes, i haven't really sang in front of anyone that wasn't my very close friend and have never had any type of training ever, but my passion is so big i always found a way to learn to do things better (not healthy but meh), and i be singing anything too, rock is the thing i do best just bc i love it so much, i'll sing mitski, i'll sing some musical theater, i'll do pop and jazz, truly as long as i can sing, i don't care. Now, i LOVE music, u guys probably also can tell that, i have never talked abt acting, that is because, i never thought abt getting into it, i still don't, but musical theater is like a whole different thing, to me it comes easier (in my bedroom at 6pm singing my lungs out to hedwig and the angry inch songs and saying all the lines to the movie), is like such a rythm i relate to, it's easier to remember the lines when they're in between songs, maybe is like a musical nerd brain type of thing, maybe i have the worst memory ever and memorizing lines for a movie/show/play seems incredibly difficult to the point that i wouldn't be able to perform it but anyways, back to today and me talking to my bestie, they asked me if maybe there was a place here in my country where they do give classes and shows in english...guys tell me why i find a place THAT DOES.
This is where i go a little insane and start looking through their stuff and it looks so cool, is very very far from my house which makes me a little sad, then i see one of the shows they put up and looks like they had little props and i got a little excited bc it seemed less ummm professional? so it made me less nervous, then i saw this one post where THEY TOOK THE STUDENTS TO NEW YORK, on a tour through usa, where they would see cool stuff AND WATCH BROADWAY SHOWS, i was already tearing up here and then i got absolutely DEVASTADED when i saw that these student went to see little shop of horror (one of my favs) live in broadway, now the tears were coming, bro, i would give an arm nd a leg to be able to see it live AND in broadway, i would probably pass out from excitement and cry so hard i can't see. And now is where u say "ok dude, so u are gonna get into it right?" and here is where i say, guys, i cannot, im already 23 i have never done anything like this, my life is a mess and etc etc etc and i cry bc my life could be SO much more different and i feel like life is so over for me already, none of my deams will come true and i will die a sad sack of shit regretting everything abt my life.
Sorry abt that last part, got a little too sad, look i know all things are posible and that if i try things hard enough i at least can say i did my best, but everything seems like 400 times harder for me than it seems to be for other people and things are HARD for other people, so imagine how i feel, it's like, i actually, don't know what is it abt me, that i feel like i don't have the balls to like do anything, to have a normal job, to talk to clients for coloring jobs online, to actually work hard for my songs and release them and perform them, to take singing classes, to go to music school, to take musical theater classes, to just be, everything is so scary and big and complicated. But anyways, i continue, singing my own songs under my breath, daydreaming of having a band, of creating music videos and giving interviews, of having people that follow me that get me, that see/hear my art ad feels seens and safe, that they belong. I wanna create a place where people can feel comfortable and heard and all the things i don't feel, i mean, don't get me wrong, music has literally saved my life so many times, practically took the knife from my hand that one time, i owe my everything to it, but the feeling of having creating a place where i could be the one in the other end, seems like, the most amazing reality ever.
I want it, i want that reality that seems so far away yet quite close, seems like the hardest thing i could ever do, yet i feel like i would give anything to have it, a reality i enjoy even with it's hardships, even with all the messy stuff and the complicated momets, where i can stop and think, yes, i do have a porpuse and i have something to me, i have what it takes and i can do it, i can change at least one life with my art, the way many people have done with theirs to mine. Thats, to me, the ultimate dream.
I wanted to give another update, nothing much happens in my life so i already thought, maybe this is like a little dumb to do but hey, i just wanna like, talk abt thing i've been into recently and also finally show u guys my halloween costume bc i slayed.
Anyways, i haven't really gotten out of my house in a while, since my one friend i hang out with isually has been pretty busy. I did wet to the cinema tho!! i went to see the FNAF movie, it was pretty good tbh, im actually ot a fnaf person, never been into it, not bc i hated it or anything, is juts not my kind of thing, then why the hell would i go watch it at the cinema for?? hehehe, Matthew Lillard, that's why, been a fan of his for a while and i have watched like almost everything he's in, so how am i gonna miss this one bro, he did such an amazing job gggrrraaahhh, in my opinion obviously. Too bad that day it was PRETTY HOT and i was almost late so i had to like run from one place to another, ended up super tired and a little sweaty, i hate spring and summer so much, in this side of the globe is getting so warm i feel so uncomfortable and lethargic. When people talk about seasonal depression, i feel it in summer bro, im so miserable and it overwhelms me so much i feel like crying and just jump out of my skin, OH and on top of that, im a person that puts efford on my outfits so the fact that there's nothing cool i can wear in summer and feel good FUCKING SUCKS!! im crying at the thought that i have to wear ugly clothes and like 0 accesories...
Im starting my 80s summer playlist tho, to try to cope with how hot and awful is gonna be this year, you people that have snow and cold christmas...hope u enjoy it guys...cuz i won't, for sure. Talking abt christmas!! i gotta tell u guys is a festivity i don't enjoy normally, is super hot, i have to be around family and can't be too slay boots bc everyone is SO boring i feel self-conscious.
Can i also mention this one christmas where i did my usual makeup where i drew a moustache on and my mother told me that if i didn't wipe it off we wouldn't go to my aunt's house (where we usually spend christmas and new years) and i refused so we didn't go lmao, gotta be honest that was like one of my fav christmas, i was drinking and dancing along to david bowie songs, i had a great time. So yeah, i have always been forced to look more normal for this stuff which sucks, so i might drink and do my best at my look and drink more and then go to sleep and forget christmas and new year festivities are a thing.
BUT ON A GOOD NOTE, i will be watching christmas horror movies this year which im excited for, still sad halloween season is over, even if to me is always halloween, feels a little less mmmm jolly.
Whatever, don't know when the next entry is gonna be, hopefully i have more fun stuff to talk about or maybe smthg more like, slay things to do. By the time im finishing this entry im listening to don't go insane by dpr ian, i just wanted to say it hehehe, is a good song fr.
Hello people, ghouls and others! I just wanted to give a random update about my life, mostly because my last entry was a friday the 13th and i celebrated by rewatching Scream (1996) and doing a drinking game...so what happened is that i put too much vodka in my drinks and ended up throwing up hhsahasjah, but i was fine, luckily i woke up feeling better the next day.
Also wanted to talk about halloween in general and my plans for the night. Well idk if you know, but i live in south america, so halloween is NOT big at all here, it literally sucks so much, i cry everytime this month comes around and people from USA are just having the best, spookiest time of their life, i envy that so much!!! But anyways, i make do, since i was 16 i think, i decided i was gonna celebrate halloween even if it's just for myself, made a simple halloween decoration that year, then the next year i made another and the next year another and i go on, i think last year (or was it 2021??) i actually BOUGHT decoration for the first time and what i got was a fake plastic rat i named Sidney (because of sidney prescott obviously).
And i have other decorations around but not much, i have a little pumpking doll i made that has hanging legs, a clay jack o' lantern, a cute pumpking guy my bestie gifted me, a halloween banner/pennant (idk im not a native speaker) i made this year, and last but not least a pumpkin bucket for candy (that i bought, obviously).
Now, i did had a nice party one halloween, yes it was me and my two friends but its was sososo fun!! i dressed up like 3 times in that month and we drank and danced, after that my last halloween i spent it with one of my friends and we watched ghostbusters (i was dressed as pavi largo and she was my melody), this halloween unfortunately im spending alone, one of my friend has work, the other one moved and my only other friend i have NOT ONLY doesn't care for halloween but also lives like 2hs away from my house. No luck with friends but tht's not gonna stop me, i've been working on my costume this month AND FINALLY i have it ready, i will do a reveal later, only because u can't see my face with it, and i also think is one of the best i've done!!
I genuinely love halloween so much, it encapsulates everything i adore, dressing up, spooky shit and candy!! oh and well parties but only if it's with friends (i have anxiety), i have never celebrated halloween with a big costume party or even decorating the rest of my house (i only have my room decorated), my parents never participate or even wanna watch horror/spooky movies with me, even knowing how much halloween means for me, anyways, im happy to just have a good time with myself, some horror movie i've wanted to see and drinking some alcoholic drinks OBVIOUSLY.
I hope you have a very cool and scary time if you're celebrating and if you're not i also hope you have a good day/night. Im looking forward to showing y'all my costume later and maybe even looking at your costumes too!! Ok, im going to have coffee and halloween cookies now, probably will watch StarKid's Nerdy prudes must die, very excited for that one!! bye!!! love ya!!!
Hi, hello etc i wanted to make my first journal entry on a friday the 13th because im so edgy and cool and bc i just really really wanted to talk abt myself i guess. So as you may know if u read bits and pieces from the other parts of my blog, im trans and bisexual, love music A LOT and had a pretty lonely and sad early teen years (may i say teen years in general?). You wanna know the meat of all that? Sure, let me tell you in detail.
I was a pretty normal kid, liked what others liked, played online games on my free time and dressed pretty ugly with hand me down clothes and all that. Got into metal at 12 years old and started to get into the goth subculture, you may ask "how did your parent take to you wanting to wear black and look like a little weirdo?" and my answer is that not good, my mother HATED black clothes and was very vocal about how awful my music taste and clothes were and how she forbid me from looking like that. Good thing i did had friends and some family that wanted to gift me band shirts!! i won mom!! but don't get sad reader, i wore those boring bad shirts and black jeans until i was like 18 ?? (where i hit rock bottom) and then started dressing better, mother still doesn't like it but doesn't really say anything anymore, i mean...im kinda 23 years old, legally an adult and like girl has no way of making me obey anymore.
But anyways, i was bullied in primary school and then in high school (kinda less awful but u know how it is), my first year of high school sucked bc my friends decided to just not be my friends anymore ?? so i was very lonely and all the bullying about my appearance got to me and filled me with self-hate, very dark moments, made a new friend tho, got a little better and at 16 i said "what if im just a bitch back to my bullies?", so that's what i did and i think that kinda make me develop anger issues?? idk, im no therapist, it worked tho, people were less mean to me and i just went through my life. Everything was pretty much average until i was 18... yeahhh, not really gonna go into detail but i was struggling with eating issues (caused by coming out to my mother as trans and her tellig me i wasn't and she didn't want that for me and ignoring everything i said) to cope with the amout of dysphoria i felt and started self-harming...yeahh, pretty heavy and all.
Luckily! im still here!! recovered through all that thanks to some therapy and a lot of strenght and also my current friends and well, dropping out of college helped me so much to concentrate on myself and not being at a high anxiety state all the time. Yayy, we made it gang!! im alive and pretty well, adulthood is still something new and scary for me, specially since this is the first time since like ever i feel good? and normal? so yeah, just trying to enjoy the moment. Sorry for this long ass first journal entry, i can promise the next is gonna be more happy and stuff, thought it was important to get out all the shit out of the way first.
Hope you can have a really nice friday the 13th!! don't let the ghouls catch you... or do, idk maybe u are into that.